overcast with a subtle inexplicable sadness...

I arrived in Nanchang today, the capital of Jiangxi province. My mom's sister's family lives here. The plan is after staying here a few days, I will go with them on a 37 hour long train ride to Yunnan to see my grandparents. I am not very close with my mom's side of the family, so this will either be a very awkward experience, or a very rewarding one. So far, I haven't talked much to my cousins. I can't understand the language, Nanchang hua, that they use, so I can't understand when they talk amongst themselves, which makes me feel like an outsider.

My aunt's family has three children, two boys and one daughter. During dinner, I felt pretty bad because I couldn't really eat any of the food (it wasn't exactly my taste). I was surprised that they let the younger son, who is only younger than Victor's age (14 or so), drink beer during dinner.

Today when I was packing, my dad said that to waste all this milk and juice we bought would be a shame, and that I should pack it. however, when I opened my suitcase, everything was wet, and some of my electronics, including my voice recorder which i need to do my interviews, were broken. I'm still not sure whether my computer charger still works, im afraid to plug it in out of fear that it will blow up my laptop or something. But it's funny that in order to save a few dollars, I ended up breaking hundreds of dollars worth of equipment.

As she cut my hair, I felt like the burdens of my past were being snipped off. My straight long hair, which has been the same way for the past 20 years of my life, which I have been preserving, just like I preserve so many other things...

I think I know why I am obsessed with history. Because I am obsessed with preserving the past. I am afriad of change. I hold on to things longer than is healthy for me. Anyone who has ever seen my room will know that I am afraid to let anything go, even the tags from my clothes. (Once, even my hair after I had cut it). Whenever I throw something away, I feel a slight pain in my heart. Like a pity feeling, that its a shame how much I've invested into that one object.

More abstractly, my relationships are all like that. I'm afraid to meet new people, I hold on to my old friends too tightly. I can't let anyone go.

Now - with my new hair - I am ready to begin a new decade of my life. Leaving my past behind on the floor of that haircuttery for them to sweep up later...

invincibility

After all these bad horrible days, things are finally starting to turn. I almost feel like its so coincidental that someone must be watching out for me! Like a guardian angel or something. I can't believe it's already Saturday! There is so much to talk about!

On Wednesday I had a meeting with Richard Howard of the ILO, who is the director of their HIV/AIDS workplace project. Basically, the ILO does a lot of pilot projects in certain areas of China implementing AIDS education projects in workplaces with lots of migrant workers. This is exactly what my research is about, evaluating these programs. I needed him for two things: 1) to send this letter to the IRB so that they will approve my research saying that my research was ethical, and 2) I wanted him to help me connect with the people at those workplaces so I could survey them.

I'm leaving Sunday for Yunnan, to visit my mom's family. Originally, I had planned to stay in Yunnan for one week, take a vacation, and come back to continue my research. However, when I was having dinner with Theresa the other day, I found out that she is going to Yunnan as well to write case studies about those programs, around the same time that I am going! This is such coincidence, not only is my friend the intern at the ILO HIV project, but also she is going to Yunnan at the same time! Wow.

So I asked Richard if I could join their team to go to Yunnan - I can offer help with Theresa's case studies (since she knows little Chinese), and in return, I can use the participants for my survey. He agreed - and not only that, but when I asked how many people there were, he said there were about 1000! That is more than enough for my research!

Then, he put me in contact with the Global Business Coalition, who told me that they also have 3 pilot projects I could survey, and that they would put me in contact. WOW! I got so much work done within like 3 hours on that day. I am soo happy! But now, I have so much work to do before I go!

So after that I felt invincible! I felt like nothing could get me down! And I had never felt so confident in my life! For one, I actually started to LIKE my haircut, even though people say I look old. While I was walking from the ILO to the bus stop listening to my Ipod, I felt like one of those people in the ipod commercials who walk down the street really confidently. After all these days of my research going no where, suddenly I had a plan for the summer.

I also bought a new cell phone! I got to pick my cell phone number, insnt that interesting? The more "lucky" numbers were more expensive, so I just picked the cheapest one..136 8174 1645

Well after getting to work, Kevin is like I'm having dinner with Stanford kids - wanna come? I had just gotten to work at 3, it takes me one hour each way, and he wanted me to leave at 6 for dinner? no way! But I gave in..because I had gotten so much work done that morning..so after English tutoring I left. We went to Hou Hai and ate at No Name Yunana Restaurant, and they frikkin said they would charge us for water! So I left and bought some drinks outside, and brought them back, but they didnt let me drink it (which although is normal in US, is not normal in China). So I had to sneak in little gulps here and there. The food was ok - their fungus was soooo good! The fried banana dessert thing and the cheese sticks were ok... So after that we walked around Hou Hai, which is a lake surrounded by bars. People always accost you so aggressively to try to get you to enter their bar. We took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in a hutong neighborhood, which are the older buildings from old beijing. Well - by the time we got out of there, it was past 11 - and no buses to my house run after 10. The only bus that still runs at 11 doesnt go directly to

On Thursday, I woke up late and decided to take the day off. The problem is that it takes me so freaking long to get to work. So I went with my friend Kevin to lunch, we decided to go to this restaurant we found good reviews for online - because we were craving italian food. I called the place, and the number was empty, which I thought was weird. But after taking a cab to the place, we found out that it had closed down. We took a cab to the restaurant's other location, but it wasnt there. After walking around everywhere looking for a internet bar, we finally called all the various locations and decided that the entire chain had gone out of business. Sigh. So we finally took a cab to Annie's, another italian restaurant. By the time we got there, we had spent 3 hours searching for food, and were SO hungry! Too bad the food wasnt that delicious... (reminder to self: you don't like creamy pastas and pizza).

Then we took a cab to Xidan, a shopping place - which is on the West side of the city (we were on the east side) - during rush hour - which was a HUGE mistake. Note to self - remember that Beijing has a good subway system! The cab's air conditioning was broken and we were melting! not only that, but the driver had no idea where the place I wanted to go to was, so he dropped us off somewhere and we had to ask directions on our own and get there by foot (15 minutes away).

At least I got a lot of good shopping done! I really want to buy these sunglasses that Kanye wears in his stronger music video, but they are so freaking expensive! (35 yuan) I bought really cute overalls, shirt, skirt, shoes, and earrings!

Then we went to the Huge Olympic Flagship Store in Wangfujing (by subway this time - learned our lesson) - dang, olympic souverniers are soo expensive! How can anyone afford this stuff? But recently, I've been so nauseous all the time, I'm not sure why. When we finally got to eat (around 10) I told kevin i was too nauseous and that he should order for me. Well you see, Kevin is vegetarian, so whenever I eat with him its kinda hard to order food. He ordered a meat dumpling for me. After he already ordered it i said, I hope you didnt order any meat, because it would make me throw up right now. And so we ate the skin around the dumplings and left all the meat on the table...

Yesterday was Friday - and I don't know why but I always wake up late! I can't get to work earlier than lunchtime. But I stayed at work until 12:30am, so it was ok. I got so much freaking work done yesterday, mostly finishing my survey. I stayed with some other Beida folks who live only 5 minutes away, I had been thinking about moving in with them after my dad left bc its so close but after last night, no way. The apartment is so small, two bedrooms for 7 people, one tiny bathroom. No air conditioning. It was sooo hot. I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time, so I just listened to the traffic outside the window. Unfortunately, I woke up at 12:30 again today, and didn't feel like waiting for the bathroom, so I took all my stuff to work, walked over in my pajamas, and washed up in the bathroom here.

I printed out my business card today! (90 copies). but I made a mistake which I only realized after printing it..gr... the layout of the Chinese and the English side aren't exactly parallel. Oh well...

I wanted to test out my survey on some migrant workers here, so I walked around and asked, but no one wanted to. One said that he couldn't read, which reminds me that I have to practice reading this survey in case there are illiterate people. I even offered to pay them... Sigh... Hopefully this will be easier in Yunnan.

The days just keep getting better...

...don't they?

So - today, determined to meet up with Richard Howard, the one key component of my research, because without this one email from him I can't get my research approved, and without approval I can't get any money, and also he is leaving for another business trip tomorrow. I woke up at 8 and stayed at home until 11 hoping to catch him by phone at his office. But by 10 I found out that he had a meeting that would last until 2.... so I gave up and just emailed him a "please submit this form even though you've never seen me before" note. I hope he complies...

So getting off the bus at ZhongGuanCun, I think to myself that I should go buy my cell phone now. When suddenly, a woman asks if I have two minutes to complete a survey. I'm like sure - why not? But she leads me up the elevator to the 11th floor and says oh we're letting people have free facials. So I'm like ok...not exactly a survey but its free so whatever. So the lady does the facial, saying that its a free check up and if I want treatment, I have to pay. I was like I don't want treatment. Then she was like well do you want to use the good medicine to remove the cream or the normal medicine, and I was like well it's free right? and She's like no, the medicine to remove it isnt free. WTF. I got so mad I was like - look I didnt even sign up for this, I thought I was here to do some survey for you... can't I just wash it off with water? So it turned out the medicine was like only 2$ less than the actual facial, so I was like fine do the facial. But I was pissed. It cost 88Y, and I gave 100Y (they were supposed to give me change). But after the facial was done they said - oh do you want to do something something (Chinese I didnt understand) we'll just not give you back any change. If you don't do it, your face will get infected. wtf?? Well of course, I don't want my face to get infected right? and its only like 1.5$ so what the heck.........


Still - I'm soooo pissed right now! And when I got out I couldnt buy my cell phone bc it was raining so hard and I was already really late for work...and now my shoes are wet. I hate when that happens.

Rough day..

Saturday I watched Kung Fu Panda at Wangfujing's New East Mall. It was sooo cute! everyone should go see it! The animation is amazing and it its so funny. I watched it with my dad, which made it even more funny, because the man laughs really jovially. He is a very strange person - I have never seen him so jovial before in my life... I was always so intimidated by him. The other day he was searching for his name on google, and discovered that there was another Kangbin Zheng with the exact same characters. The cell phone number was online, so he sent the guy a text msg inviting him to dinner. Isnt that weird?

Speaking of weird...So remember that guy on the metro? He sent me this email later:

可以听到你的拉小提琴的声音就好了，还希望知道你的全名，

呵呵，我有点健忘！

How strange right? I politely emailed him back, and he hasnt responded. I was pretty clear in my email that I didn't really want to continue communicating, and I think he go the point (Let's hope).

So after lunch, Kevin and I went to take a tour of Beida, given by its very finest recent graduate, LinLi. Beida's campus is sooo pretty! I like it soo much better than Stanford. It has so many trees and pretty romantic areas, including a lake, pagodas, willow trees. It's like living in a Chinese park almost! There are so many areas I would want to just sit with my boyfriend and chat. Not like Stanford, everything is so open and hot.

Then we went karaoke! Which was fun, well...I usually LOVE karaoke. But it's not that fun when its with people you don't know that well and also when you're singing Chinese songs that you never heard before. Additionally, I had a massive headache and was really tired due to jet lag. But still, I learned a few new Chinese songs and met some cool people.

I'm really not used to text msging people, which is really really common in China.

So Sunday, I ate Peking Duck with my dad's old childhood friend and his family. I had been dreaming about Peking Duck and lusting after it ever since I arrived, but its a lot better to dream about than to actually eat. I really enjoy eating the fat and the skin...which is probably not good for my health. It's really the thought of eating it which is better than the actual taste though..

I've been teaching one of my colleagues English to prepare for exam to go to Oxford. He's been offered contingent admission, meaning as long as he can get a certain score on the exam, he gets in. And since I'm going to Oxford next spring, I'm determined to help him succeed! In return, he teaches me Chinese, basically - I read aloud these articles pertaining to my research. It's so hard!

I had been craving Italian food for the longest time, so I finally ordered some to deliver to my house. My dad said he didnt want any bc it was too expensive, but when it arrived I felt bad for him so I offered him half of my food. Well anyway, we each ate only half of what would fill up one person....I still crave italian food...I was eating it while watching AntZ, which is a really cute movie! I also watched the goddess, which is this old 1930's silent movie made in Shanghai about a prostitute who does everything to make a living to send her son to school. It's pretty touching, and I would recommend it to anyone interested in old Chinese films.

Anyway, now that brings me to today. I had a really rough day:

for starters, i left my key at home. Then, my cell phone ran out of batteries as soon as a got to my office. I was supposed to meet my mom's friend for lunch but with no cell phone, I could only call her from my work phone and arrange to meet at Shangdao Coffee at noon exactly. But by 12:16 she was not there, and so I walked back to my office to call her and it turns out that she couldnt find parking and went home and was going to take a taxi instead to some OTHER place, because she didn't know where my building was. So I had to walk to the other place, and well...she was supposed to invite me to lunch but she invited me to KFC, which is a little weird. Then by the time I got back to the office, did a little bit of work, I had to leave again to meet my friend for dinner/work. So I called her from my office phone and she told me the address..only it was the WRONG address, so I end up taking a cab to somewhere I have no idea, and she calls me to tell me I'm in the wrong place, and I take a cab to the right place, but it turns out the right place was only 1 block away, so I paid 10 yuan for like 5 seconds of driving.

Then...well, my cell phone was out of batteries and couldnt make any calls, so my friend had no idea what had happened to me and started to go home. I finally found the friggin building and went to her office but she was gone. Well, I was finally able to find her and eat dinner, which was actually pretty good hot pot.Then - I took a cab home and realized when I was trying to get into my house that I left the key at home. My phone was dead so I couldn't call my dad. I banged on the door but no one was home. I went to a nearby convenience store to call my dad. I had to keep turning on my phone and hoping that it had enough batteries for me to look up the number. My dad's phone said something in Chinese that I didnt understand, but the only part I understood was "please hang up now". So I did, and I couldnt contact him. So then I decided to go get my hair cut. That ended up taking like 3 hours because I also got it permed. Then, when I left the hair cuttery, I realized my cell phone was gone. I went back to the convenience store to ask if they found it but they said no. I went back to my house to see if my dad was home, and there was a business card with his number on it left there for me, which was good because since i lost my phone i had no idea what his number was. I finally got in contact with him, but first I had to go back to the haircuttery to see if I left the cell phone there, which I didnt. So anyway - now I have no cell phone. And it was my dad's birthday today, so I had tried to go home as early as possible to spend it with him... but instead I made him and my mom worry so much. By the time I got home, I told him happy birthday, but it was already past midnight, so it was over.

Shut up just drink

My dad's friend from the Bureau of Agriculture invited me to eat at this restaurant. He brought a lot of food from his own farm, including a (duck-goose-swan???) hybrid. I'm not really sure what one of those would look like alive, but cooked, it looks like a big chicken. MMM i love Chinese food. Everytime I come to China I gain weight - I had lost a lot of weight this year, but I think I will gain it all back in a few months. MMM just thinking about it makes my mouth drool....that potato slices...

My dad and I went to go get full body massages. OMG it hurt sooo much! I'm not sure if its just me, or if its that my masseuse is very harsh, but my whole upper body is sore. When he did the massage, I was clenching my teeth the whole time.

My friend from Peking U invited me to go to San Li Tun, which is a bar street that foreigners love to hang out at. Man there are so many foreigners, more than Chinese people. You'd think you were in New York or something. But my dad and I had to walk in the pouring rain, which was not fun bc we were too lazy to go home and get an umbrella.

Wow - it just hit me that its july 4th! Well, no one celebrates it here, obviously....

So I spent the rest of tonight in a bar called shut-up-just-drink, but I didn't drink anything. I was with a bunch of seniors who had just graduated from PKU, so they were pretty drunk. But wow! I didn't know Chinese students were that much the life of the party! They are even more wild than I am! But I enjoyed dancing and sipping my apple juice hehe.

omg I am soo lazy these days. So first of all, three days ago I slept 20 hours and missed my meeting with the ILO，who went on a business trip the next day for a week, so now I have to wait forever to get my research approved. So I spent the next day writing my paper, and then had dinner with my dad's friend and his son who goes to Oxford. The next day I woke up really really late again, and decided to wait until after lunch to go to work, and then met up with my roommate's friend Lin li who goes to Beida and will be at Stanford this fall. I had to go to a concert at 7:30 at the new egg-shaped national theater to see Kevin perform with the Stanford Symphony Orchestra. In the middle, I was helping a colleague prepare for his English exam to study at Oxford - so there was another day wasted with no research done. Sigh.

So I went with XuZheng, the Oxford kid, to watch the concert at the National Theater. I was sooo late - it was embarassing because I had to make Kevin wait for me to get the tickets - and he was performing! Anyway - the Beijing metro is so slow and annoying! To switch lines it takes forever! I had to switch lines three times. So I asked this random guy - how do you get to the National Theater? and he told me and he was like, oh I am happening to go that direction as well, so he spent the entire like one hour talking to me and asking me for my contact information! He was nice enough, but it was still very weird. He asked me if I had a cell phone and I said no I didnt, and then later my cell phone started ringing and I had no choice but to answer it because it was kevin. Sigh... I told him I would send him a text msg later so that he would have my phone number...but I never plan to.

The National Theater is HUGE! And beautiful! And the seats are comfortable. I watched the Stanford Orchestra and Choir perform with the Jin Xing dance troup. Jin Xing is the first transexual in China - and her dancing and choreography is very modern - though I dont really understand much of it...

Anyway - and then I went to sleep around 12 am and didn't wake up until today at 4pm! Another day of research wasted.... I don't know when I'm going to get around to doing my research! And who knows how productive I will be over the weekend...